The decision

I want to change. I want to stop letting everything get to me. I want to stop being so emotional and sensitive. I want to learn to let go.

I want to stop hurting. I want to stop letting every little mistake get to me.

It's not okay to be "severely sensitive". Equally it's not okay to be an ignorant bitch. People are human. People will make humane mistakes. Take several steps forward and don't let them ruin you.

He wants to own me.

Hello. Still here.

I have a boyfriend. Every time I think I know what to think of him, something always changes. Today he brought out a brand new side of him that I didn't expect would come out so soon. He said he wants me to be his whore. He wants to own me. He wants me labelled with tattoos of his name, the word "whore", and a significant date that might come up one day.

The stories in Nymphomaniac might one day become my stories.

He wants to label me and brand me as his own. He's possessive yet he wants to see me with other men.

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to think. I'm conflicted. This seems like it's a disaster just waiting to happen, but at the same time it could be the best thing ever to happen to me. Someone actually wants a future with me. Someone actually wants to love me.

I don't know if I feel uncomfortable. I don't know what I feel. I feel numb.

Feeling stupid and inferior.

Just now I was speaking to my cousins about TV shows. I mentioned that someone once compared me to Donna in Suits, and immediately my cousins jumped down my throat saying how "cool" and "funny" Donna is. I wouldn't know, I've never watched Suits.

There's a word to describe what I'm feeling. I don't know what it is. Stupid? Inferior? Ridiculous ? Ashamed? The way they approached that situation was just so inappropriate. I'm feeling ridiculous. It brought back all the memories I have of my own sister and brother-in-law telling me that I'm a loser. My sister was never bothered until my brother-in-law manipulated her into hating me for it.

I just feel so shit. Like, okay, we might not be the same, but you don't need to tell me that in a way which implies I'm uncool and humourless.

The funny thing is my cousins don't know me at all. They've never tasted my humour. They've never seen a genuine side of me. One of them has only seen my worst because I can't stand her. The other makes me so nervous to speak to him because he's so awkward. While what they said hurt me, I don't know what to think of it because they're not in a position where they can judge who or what TV character I'm like/unlike.

The thing that's getting to me and making me so butthurt is the way they approached the subject. The only way I can think to explain it is that they verbally jumped me and gave me a verbal slap in the face which basically said "how dare you degrade Donna by bringing her down to your level and comparing her to you - the two of you are incomparable - you're too much of a loser to even be a little bit like her".

I dunno. It's a weird feeling I'm feeling. Definitely something new.

I spent over a week trying to make peace with these cousins because I can't stand them. This little experience I just had with them shit on the progress I made with them. I genuinely thought I started liking them again. Guess I should have know better.

I have no place in my family

I have a myriad reasons to dislike my cousin, but there's only one reason to explain why I hate her.

My siblings treat her like she's their own. When it comes to me I may as well be a complete stranger, or even a slave.

If I died tomorrow they wouldn't bat an eyelid.  If she died they would feel a hole in their hearts.

She makes them laugh. I make them cry.

When she's having issues they all jump on board to help her sort it and they'll have the same conversation with her over and over and over again. When it comes to me I'm left to do it all on my own. They refuse to help.

When she's around I'm no one. She has a better relationship with my dad than I do. She can speak to my mum like I can't.  She can make my siblings laugh. I can't make them smile, never mind making them laugh.

I have no place in this family. She has a greater effect on my family than I do.

Feeling an overwhelming sadness.

No one wants me. I'm pretty my own mum hates me. I feel obliged to care for my nephew because she (mum) can't do it well, so I can't go out and have fun/meet guys. I really need some fucking male attention.

My mum

I just heard my mum puke and had to deal with the aftermath without my siblings. I'm not used to seeing her ill even though she's been ill (with an undiagnosed illness) for all my life.

I can't stop crying. I'm so scared. When she was on the phone yesterday she kept saying she felt like she was going to die a few days ago because she was really ill and now I'm so scared. I'm a horrible daughter. I don't want her to go thinking that I'm her worst mistake.

I'm not ready to lose her. I'm so scared. I had to deal with this alone without any of my siblings around and I just didn't know what I was doing. I'm so scared. It's like a huge wake up call. For the first time in a long time I actually wish her loud voice (when she plays with my nephew) wakes me up in the morning.

Child pornography is a real thing

Tonight's post isn't about me. As you can obviously tell from the title it's about child pornography,  or "cp" as some like to censor it. It's almost as if saying the words child pornography make people feel scared and shameful. Wanna know what I feel? Guilt. It kills me knowing that there are so many kids out there suffering such a horror. It puts me off having my own children because there could be a slight chance that one day - God forbid - if they get kidnapped their fate could end in cp.

"You have attachment issues."

My friend told me this today. I haven't seen her in 18 months and suddenly she came out with this. I think we were talking about the guys I've [almost] been with and something else along those lines and it just amazed me that it was so obvious to her.

FAQ 7: I do it because I'm saying sorry.

I didn't realise I do much of what I do to say sorry. I'm going back to uni because it's my way of saying sorry to my dad that I'm a failure as a daughter. I constantly try to keep my kitchen clean because I want to say sorry to my mum for being a bad daughter. I spend almost too much time taking care of my nephew to say sorry to my sister that she had to deal with bring me up when I was a child. I take on the house shopping and strive to get a job because it's my way of saying sorry to my other sister that she ended up with that role. I haven't got the money to spend on house shopping yet still I do it. As for my brother, well, I don't see him enough to do things like this for him - instead I strive to maintain our relationship and strive to converse with him - that's something I have only done for a handful of people in my life.

Welcome back, anorexia! Pt. 2

So, why is she anorexic? I hear you ask. Because I was bullied, because I was insecure, because I wanna be pretty. I have narcissistic tendencies. I never realised it until recently, but my god, do I have great narcissistic tendencies! I want to be pretty. I want to stand out. I love the fact that pervs have a good look at me from top to bottom. I get off on it. I hate that guys I like don't look at me in the same way so I want to better myself for them. I want to be pretty for them. I want to fucking be loved. This is the only way I know to get attention and it's the only way I know how to get people to like me and accept me so I'm fucking sorry if I'm harming myself, I just want to be liked.

Welcome back, anorexia! Pt. 1

Have I ever spoken about my weight issues here? I can't remember doing so.

Without going into too much detail, I was a chubby child. I wasn't fat, I was simply chubby. I often got bullied by cousins, aunts, "friends" and strangers. When I was 10 years old a "friend" gave me a note saying these exact words: "you can't be my friend anymore because you're fat" and that was that. I screamed and cried and my dad got some powerful people involved. Nothing came of it, although my sister did go to school and threaten the bully. That was awesome.

FAQ 5: Do your family know about your mental health issues?

It's always difficult speaking to my family about my mental health. I suffer depression, which they know about, and borderline personality disorder which they don't know about. I also suffer anorexia (EDNOS in the DSM's pov, but I think the DSM is ridiculous) which, when they were aware of it, they would shout at me for having it, like it was my choice. They don't know I still suffer from it - they actually think I binge eat.

Telling them about the depression was easy - I simply Whatsapped my group with my siblings as soon as I was officially diagnosed and they just ignored it. They probably didn't believe me, or just figured I was being an overly sensitive drama queen. I've been suspecting it since I was 13 years old but I got the official diagnosis when I was 18. Telling them about the BPD is something that I can't imagine ever speaking about because they react to my mental health issues really inappropriately - they either shout at me or refuse to accept that there's anything wrong me. It's always "you're not mentally ill, you're just sensitive!" But they knows nothing of the real story. They have no idea what kind of life I lead when they're not around. They know the kind of mood swings I have aren't typical for girls my age (I'm 19), but they just blame it on hormones and my hypersensitivity to the world.

About the anorexia, well, the two times my sisters confronted me were probably the worst experiences I have ever had with them because they just shouted and shouted, and refused to accept that I wasn't in control of it. Over the last year I've managed to convince them that I binge eat so they've backed off.

I really want to be able to speak to them about it all. My eldest sister especially used to help me with my issues as a kid, but since I was 14/15 she just backed off and left me to deal with it all. It all eventually worsened. I can't speak to any of them because they just become completely irrational when it comes to mental health.

I haven't been posting as much as I should be.

I'm still alive. Completely forgot about the blog these last couple of weeks.. A lot has been going on with my general health so not fun at all. I've got a couple of FAQs that need answering so those are the priority at the moment. I'm hoping to write and post them by the end of next week, but it really depends on if I get better by then.

A typical day for le emotions.

Just a post I sent to someone on Reddit as a reply. They suffer bipolar, I'm suspecting myself on bipolar. It seemed too reflective on my "typical day" to let go. So here we are:

"I've been suspecting myself of having bipolar but I'm waiting to change doctors until I can discuss seeing a therapist to look into it further. Although I do have BPD, from my own personal research I think "bipolar borderline" would be a better classification but I need to see a therapist before I begin to determine anything.

Feeling sorry for myself

I have no self worth. I've spent so much time convincing myself otherwise in the past but now i realise it might be rapid cycling or the borderline's equivalent of that.

There are times when I feel like I'm on top of the world and times like now where I become a depressive I never knew existed within myself.

When I feel on top of the world is when even the most insignificant good thing happens to me. When I feel like this I convince myself that I am a confident person. I have a tendency to brag about it because I think if I show people that I'm confident then maybe they'll feel the same about themselves too. I'm hyperdependent on the smaller things in life because they're all I've got.

I don't have many friends. I don't know if I have any friends left. "Me, myself and I" is an understatement. I don't even have me because my mental illness just makes me so fucked out of my mind. I'm a fucking screw up.

I constantly ask myself how did I turn out to be like this. Truth be told, I have no fucking idea. I've always been a recluse. I've always been the weird kid that nobody wanted and the people that took her on felt forced to take her on -- they didn't want me. Nobody fucking wants me. The only people I have are my family because we're bound by blood. If my mum didn't give birth to me then even they wouldn't want me.

I'm just waiting for death to come wash over me. Hopefully I can find some peace then.

Remember when love was simply an ideal you could feel via music?

I used to be infatuated with the idea of love. I went to an all girls school during the earlier part of my teenage years so an unfortunate teacher because the object of my affections, or the medium through which I could exhibit my obsession.

Coming up to a year since I was raped.

As much as I like to blame myself or my ex about what happened to me, I've also started to put a lot of the blame on this particular moment. I think it was the 14th. I honestly can't remember which is weird for me because I'm the girl who remembers every date of every significant (personal) event. A huge part of me doesn't want to remember but an even bigger part of me wants to put myself through the torture of having my imagination repeat the day, hour to hour. I did that at the end of last month -- a year since I lost my virginity.

A self-destructive streak.

I'm coming back, worse than before. I was thinking my last breakdown was about my boyfriend, but this one is about me, but they're all about me, aren't they?