As much as I like to blame myself or my ex about what happened to me, I've also started to put a lot of the blame on this particular moment. I think it was the 14th. I honestly can't remember which is weird for me because I'm the girl who remembers every date of every significant (personal) event. A huge part of me doesn't want to remember but an even bigger part of me wants to put myself through the torture of having my imagination repeat the day, hour to hour. I did that at the end of last month -- a year since I lost my virginity.
I didn't know what I experienced was rape until 3 months ago. When I first entered the sex industry I remember constantly reminding myself that "if I could be in a relationship and have sex without it hurting me too bad, then I can do this!" What I didn't realise was that it hurt me worse than I ever imagined.
Letting guys take advantage of me just became a thing for me. It's not so much they took advantage of me, but rather I took advantage of myself by letting them do what they did. And the worst thing about this is that I miss it. There's something about feeling shit about myself which I'm so accustomed to doing and right now I have nothing to feel shit about so I'm trying to provoke it by getting myself back into the position I was in last time.
I was so screwed up.
A week after the rape I let my then-boyfriend do "things" to me in public. I can't say why I feel worse about this than the rape.
I am so screwed up.
He hurt me so bad. It's been a year and still I'm hurting. I tell myself I've gotten over him but still it kills me. For the first time in I don't know how long today I had a flashback of when we sort of let our foreheads touch and we just stared into each others eyes. It wasn't like your typical fairy tale moment, but it was my real life fairy tale moment. He told me I looked like a cyclops and as unromantic as it was (I don't care for romance), it was enough. I despise him.
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