We were watching Ed Sheeran's A Team video and listening to the song and she said something like "how much hatred must someone have for their life that they just give themselves away to any man for a little bit of money?" And I just thought "that's me - your own best friend does that" but I didn't say it obviously. She reminded me of the times I used to say I would become a prostitute "if it wasn't haram" and I just laughed about it. What else could I do? This was back when I was a believer of Muslimism. I thought sex for money was the most amazing thing in the world because easy money, right? Wrong. It's actually pretty damn difficult and the psychological strain it holds is a real burden. She has no idea that I left Islam and did actually become a prostitute. My own best friends don't know about everything I go through, all the things wrong with me, and why/how it all went wrong. I wish I could tell them but they're not the greatest people at discussing things.
There were so many moments today where I called myself a "whore". My friends thought it was a joke but they have no idea. I hate myself. I hate what I've turned myself into. I made it sound like a joke but I wish I didn't have to. It affects me more than anyone can know but I don't know how to change it. I need guys/relationships/acceptance. Ultimately I need acceptance or something. I don't know. Being in a relationship and/or feeling wanted and almost needed is what I need. I want to feel wanted. I need to feel needed.
I mentioned to my friends that "I'm a mother". I hope they get what I meant. I tried explaining to them that I need something to take care of. I specifically said "if it's not my nephew, it's my pets". It's not that I need something to take care of - I just need to feel like I have a place in the world, like someone or something wants/needs me here. Those moments when my nephew comes to me and wants to be held are the moments where I feel happiest because it makes me feel like I'm worth something.
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