Welcome back, anorexia! Pt. 1

Have I ever spoken about my weight issues here? I can't remember doing so.

Without going into too much detail, I was a chubby child. I wasn't fat, I was simply chubby. I often got bullied by cousins, aunts, "friends" and strangers. When I was 10 years old a "friend" gave me a note saying these exact words: "you can't be my friend anymore because you're fat" and that was that. I screamed and cried and my dad got some powerful people involved. Nothing came of it, although my sister did go to school and threaten the bully. That was awesome.


Anyway, fast forward 6 years and it still happens. Some time after my 16th birthday something inside me breaks. I start acting erratically. I became addicted to exercise. My left calf muscle tore and still I forced my way through PE lessons and HIIT cardio workouts which I did at home. Right calf muscle later tears and still I'm working out and putting 110% effort into my PE lessons. I wanted to be skinny. Some months later I realise I've been suffering anorexia. I'm consuming 700 calories a day. The biggest meal I have is a tuna roll which probably came up to less than 200 calories, and this is for school lunch which I eat when I'm in school and away from everyone - I never went to lunch with my friends because I was terrified of eating in front of poeple. The one person I was okay eating in front of was Noorio (is what I called her) because, well, she was always there with me so I just became used to her. So, in May (2011) I'm down 1 dress size. Over the Summer (specifically Ramadan month) I gain that dress size. College begins. I lose that dress size and then some - I lost another dress size by Christmas (2011). Spring comes and my cousin's dad dies. From that time to Summer (again, Ramdan) I gain the extra dress size I lost. Between September and Decemeber (2012) I lose that dress size. This, by the way, is the time during which the infamous first boyfriend and I happen. January and February (2013) happen and in February the boyfriend vanishes and I'm dealing with mania, binge eating, BPD, the beginning of the call girl work, etc., etc. You've heard it all before if you're a regular reader. So, I end up gaining the dress size. Between September and December (2013) I lost the dress size. Over the next 5 months (2014, January to May) I lose the dress size again.

Now it's June and here I am.

I want to embrace anorexia again. I've gone down to 900 calories. It wasn't difficult. Since I started calorie counting over 3 years ago I've never really been able to go above 1200 calories so I've spent the last 3 years going as low as 500 and as high as 1400. The 1400 calories never lasted more than 2 weeks. It's funny, actually. The funniest thing about me is that I love eating shit. I eat like an obese wale but because I keep my calories so restricted I don't gain the weight I should have been gaining.