About Me
"She's just some crazy posh bird."I guess I'll start with the basics? I'm a girl, 19 years old, I was born and raised in London. I come from a relatively functional family so it's quite relieving to say that they didn't turn me into what I am. Actually, my family are the best damn thing to ever happen to me so I protect them from a lot of stuff that has happened to me because I just don't want to add more pain on top of world on their shoulders. My friends? There's two. They're pretty amazing, I say this especially because they've put up with me since before we were even in training bras! Neither friends nor family know about 95% of the stuff I'll be posting here because it's all just far too sensitive and controversial! They all know I'm pretty broken inside but they have no idea about the extent to which this "brokenness" goes.
I'm a Psychology student with an obsession in thinking analytically and philosophically. I use the word "obsession" in a negative way because people have told me off for doing it to the extent that I do it. It's not my fault! This particular side of me should be exhibited here on the site as I imagine I will be posting a lot about my views on everything ranging from myself as TBC to things about god and whatnot. I was raised Muslim, I left the religion well over a year ago and have since begun the process of developing my own views. It's bittersweet -- sucks because it's difficult to find out what I believe, yet it's one of the best things to happen to me. Before I left the religion I was a pretty hardcore Muslim which was entirely my doing and not my family's or my friends' or society's. I'm sure a lot of non-Muslims will find it surprising when I say my family are incredibly liberal Muslims and that I turned myself into the crazy Muslim because, well, if we look at my then-beliefs from one psychological viewpoint then I guess you could that I used the concept of Islam's "god" to fill the chronic emptiness that I have suffered from since childhood. For a short while it was pretty fulfilling, but then when I lost my faith in the relgion, I lost the plot just a little bit more. As I'm writing this I'm realising how well this mirrors my break up with my ex - the one that I constantly refer to as the trigger for my breakdown.
If you've come this far then well done, you sexy beasts, I praise you. Have a song:
I never experienced a traumatic childhood. I was so protected from the outer world that when I was finally exposed to it, I didn't know how to handle it. I went fucking mental with freedom. This little fact about me drives the psychological part of mind crazy because I always thought childhood experiences set the foundations for our older selves, but my childhood doesn't explain everything that I've gone through. I mean, from the little knowledge that I have of Psychological concepts, research, theories, "proven" theories, etc. I would say that my eating disorders and possibly the BPD and anxiety were a result of my past experiences in rejection and in being bullied for my weight. The depression, however, may have been the product of genetics. Throughout my childhood I experienced a ridiculous amount of rejection (and I promise I will elaborate on this in a soon-to-be-posted post!) which may explain the crazy borderline in me. When I was around 10 years old I was bullied because I was chubby, on top of that I was receiving comments on my weight left, right and centre until I turned 16. When I turned 16 I developed anorexia and lost quite a bit of the weight so all the comments finally stopped. This particular experience may explain my horrible relationship with food. As for depression, well, in my opinion that's nothing special, everyone suffers it. I made my first self-destructive suicide-ish attempt at age 9. That's the earliest memory I have of my emotional instability. The point I think I'm trying to make is that I don't have a good enough Psychological reason to answer my ultimate question of "why am I the way I am?" Was it all just me? It kills me to not know. I suppose that's partly the reason why I'm doing this blog.
About TBC (The Borderline Courtesan)
The acronym 'TBC' seems uncannily coincidental with my current mental state.
I should elaborate on the quote that seems to jump out for most people: "It's pretty cool if you're not me."
What I mean by this is exactly as it says on the tin -- to me it's just my life and my experiences. I disassociate myself from most of it so it doesn't necessarily feel "real". For you guys, however, it will just be another story. I can only imagine the genre of this "story" being that of Shakespearian Tragedy. To you, I'm just "the crazy chick off that blog", I'm not real to you. I'm not affecting your life in a significant way, I'm just hear to give you my experiences and hopefully broaden your minds, and possibly even help to educate some of you. I have a rather brilliant post which I call "Perspectives" which I am hoping to type up soon which I think every single person in the whole damn world should read so definitely look forward to that! Essentially this post is about how humans are generally so quick to judge/mis-judge and assume without much, if any, appropriate knowledge on whatever it is that we are judging. No matter how modest we may act, we like to think we know it all and we tend to think that everyone thinks like us, but this all just a lie because our perspectives are distorted. In considering that, think about the aforementioned point on me being "just another story" -- your perspective as my audience is slanted in a way where some of what I write may seem particularly unfathomable because maybe you've never experienced mental disorders like the ones I have or maybe you've never seen mental disorders manifest themselves in the way they manifest with me. I don't know. What I want you to take away from this is the basic idea that keeping an open mind is essential in this world because there are so many factors at play; when we think we have a relatively general view of something (for example, the aspects of mental disorders that I introduce in this blog), we don't. Our own experiences or lack of experiences prevent us from having an accurate general view of something. I probably sound like I'm talking bullshit now so I will stop this here and hope that my point becomes clearer when I post my "Perspectives" post.
So, to finish off, in this blog I will be mainly speaking about my incredibly dark past and some posts might be on my present feelings, particularly in those moments when I'm feeling terrified or rageful and I don't have anyone to speak to -- which is often the case. I will try to keep things a little bit cheery and bright because sometimes we all just need a break from the doom and gloom that life likes to shit on us! I can't say exactly what you can expect but you'll definitely seememes, my favourite Youtube videos (mainly consisting of British comedy!) and whole load of incomprehensible rambling bullshit, amongst other things! I'm an incredibly tangential person. My mind is erratic and I'm sure this page has proved it. Don't expect me to stick to just one thing because I can't! =O
Alright, love! You bring the chocolate, I'll bring the whips and chains and we'll add a bit of spontaneity by doing it on the first bus stop we see. Such fun!
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