The decision

I want to change. I want to stop letting everything get to me. I want to stop being so emotional and sensitive. I want to learn to let go.

I want to stop hurting. I want to stop letting every little mistake get to me.

It's not okay to be "severely sensitive". Equally it's not okay to be an ignorant bitch. People are human. People will make humane mistakes. Take several steps forward and don't let them ruin you.

Feeling stupid and inferior.

Just now I was speaking to my cousins about TV shows. I mentioned that someone once compared me to Donna in Suits, and immediately my cousins jumped down my throat saying how "cool" and "funny" Donna is. I wouldn't know, I've never watched Suits.

There's a word to describe what I'm feeling. I don't know what it is. Stupid? Inferior? Ridiculous ? Ashamed? The way they approached that situation was just so inappropriate. I'm feeling ridiculous. It brought back all the memories I have of my own sister and brother-in-law telling me that I'm a loser. My sister was never bothered until my brother-in-law manipulated her into hating me for it.

I just feel so shit. Like, okay, we might not be the same, but you don't need to tell me that in a way which implies I'm uncool and humourless.

The funny thing is my cousins don't know me at all. They've never tasted my humour. They've never seen a genuine side of me. One of them has only seen my worst because I can't stand her. The other makes me so nervous to speak to him because he's so awkward. While what they said hurt me, I don't know what to think of it because they're not in a position where they can judge who or what TV character I'm like/unlike.

The thing that's getting to me and making me so butthurt is the way they approached the subject. The only way I can think to explain it is that they verbally jumped me and gave me a verbal slap in the face which basically said "how dare you degrade Donna by bringing her down to your level and comparing her to you - the two of you are incomparable - you're too much of a loser to even be a little bit like her".

I dunno. It's a weird feeling I'm feeling. Definitely something new.

I spent over a week trying to make peace with these cousins because I can't stand them. This little experience I just had with them shit on the progress I made with them. I genuinely thought I started liking them again. Guess I should have know better.

Just a note on my posts

Currently feeling somewhat sane (read: depressive yet rational).

Many of my melancholic posts are/will be written during my depressive episodes. I feel obliged to mention that I'm not always like that, it's only when I'm alone or left to my self or when I'm experiencing that "in a crowd yet still feel aloneness" sort of thing. I've had a few emails from some of you stating your concern(s) and I can't help but thank you enough for it -- it's so much more than my own family and friends do so thank you for showing me some hope in this desolate world I'm living.