Mindfulness and bipolar

https://purplepersuasion.wordpress.com/2012/11/30/mindfulness-for-bipolar-disorder-simpler-than-you-think/

I just watched a documentary called Being Bipolar. The 36 year old guy was like the 36 year old male version of me.

The decision

I want to change. I want to stop letting everything get to me. I want to stop being so emotional and sensitive. I want to learn to let go.

I want to stop hurting. I want to stop letting every little mistake get to me.

It's not okay to be "severely sensitive". Equally it's not okay to be an ignorant bitch. People are human. People will make humane mistakes. Take several steps forward and don't let them ruin you.

He wants to own me.

Hello. Still here.

I have a boyfriend. Every time I think I know what to think of him, something always changes. Today he brought out a brand new side of him that I didn't expect would come out so soon. He said he wants me to be his whore. He wants to own me. He wants me labelled with tattoos of his name, the word "whore", and a significant date that might come up one day.

The stories in Nymphomaniac might one day become my stories.

He wants to label me and brand me as his own. He's possessive yet he wants to see me with other men.

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to think. I'm conflicted. This seems like it's a disaster just waiting to happen, but at the same time it could be the best thing ever to happen to me. Someone actually wants a future with me. Someone actually wants to love me.

I don't know if I feel uncomfortable. I don't know what I feel. I feel numb.

"I've always depended on the kindness of strangers."

It amazes me how comfortable I feel in the arms of a stranger. I'm thinking about one person in particular here - Chris. The first time I met him we slept together. I hugged him like I knew him for years. I kissed him like I belonged with him. I don't even know his last name.

With my clients I was the same. I touched them like I knew them. Kissed them like I belonged to them. And, of course, for that hour I did. But it was something more than that. There was a kind of energy that my unconscious mind utilised. I needed it more than they did. I needed the kindness of those strangers to make me feel wanted. They didn't love me - not emotionally or psychologically(?).  They loved me physically and that was good enough. It is good enough.

Years ago I detested the idea of superficial relationships. Now I thrive on them. Especially the kind that give me good business.

Feeling stupid and inferior.

Just now I was speaking to my cousins about TV shows. I mentioned that someone once compared me to Donna in Suits, and immediately my cousins jumped down my throat saying how "cool" and "funny" Donna is. I wouldn't know, I've never watched Suits.

There's a word to describe what I'm feeling. I don't know what it is. Stupid? Inferior? Ridiculous ? Ashamed? The way they approached that situation was just so inappropriate. I'm feeling ridiculous. It brought back all the memories I have of my own sister and brother-in-law telling me that I'm a loser. My sister was never bothered until my brother-in-law manipulated her into hating me for it.

I just feel so shit. Like, okay, we might not be the same, but you don't need to tell me that in a way which implies I'm uncool and humourless.

The funny thing is my cousins don't know me at all. They've never tasted my humour. They've never seen a genuine side of me. One of them has only seen my worst because I can't stand her. The other makes me so nervous to speak to him because he's so awkward. While what they said hurt me, I don't know what to think of it because they're not in a position where they can judge who or what TV character I'm like/unlike.

The thing that's getting to me and making me so butthurt is the way they approached the subject. The only way I can think to explain it is that they verbally jumped me and gave me a verbal slap in the face which basically said "how dare you degrade Donna by bringing her down to your level and comparing her to you - the two of you are incomparable - you're too much of a loser to even be a little bit like her".

I dunno. It's a weird feeling I'm feeling. Definitely something new.

I spent over a week trying to make peace with these cousins because I can't stand them. This little experience I just had with them shit on the progress I made with them. I genuinely thought I started liking them again. Guess I should have know better.

When I look inside

When I look inside and into my past I see that nothing has changed. I'm still that naive little girl who never learnt to grow up.

FAQ 8: Why am I so alone?

I've never had anyone. My siblings were never siblings to me. They've always been my parents. My parents have never been parents to me, they've always been strangers. I've never had friends around who cared enough to stick around, I've never had friends who wanted to be my friends, full stop. The only person I ever loved was my first boyfriend but he just left without saying a word six weeks after we got together.

I snap at my mum a lot because a lot of what she says/does feels like an attack. There's only been one time in the last 19 months (since she's been at home full time) that she acted like a mum to me. I've never had a mum. My sister's adamant that I'm the villain in our relationship but she has no idea. All I want is for someone to care for me and someone to be a mum to me. I just want someone to hug me and to tell me that it's all okay. I've never had that.

I run into the arms of any man who takes me because at least they'll have me. I'm a human repeller. People can't stand me. There isn't one person in this world who likes me for me. Every time I think I found a place of belonging I'm always proven wrong. It's just not meant to happen. I'm just not meant to be happy? Why am I even alive? I'm a waste of air in this world. I'm a waste of life. Why was I given this life to live when I hate it? I don't want to live anymore. I can't do it.

I think I might be pregnant. If I am I'm not getting rid of this baby. I've had 19 months (since my last pregnancy scare) to think about what I would do if I were in this position again.

My mum

I just heard my mum puke and had to deal with the aftermath without my siblings. I'm not used to seeing her ill even though she's been ill (with an undiagnosed illness) for all my life.

I can't stop crying. I'm so scared. When she was on the phone yesterday she kept saying she felt like she was going to die a few days ago because she was really ill and now I'm so scared. I'm a horrible daughter. I don't want her to go thinking that I'm her worst mistake.

I'm not ready to lose her. I'm so scared. I had to deal with this alone without any of my siblings around and I just didn't know what I was doing. I'm so scared. It's like a huge wake up call. For the first time in a long time I actually wish her loud voice (when she plays with my nephew) wakes me up in the morning.

Child pornography is a real thing

Tonight's post isn't about me. As you can obviously tell from the title it's about child pornography,  or "cp" as some like to censor it. It's almost as if saying the words child pornography make people feel scared and shameful. Wanna know what I feel? Guilt. It kills me knowing that there are so many kids out there suffering such a horror. It puts me off having my own children because there could be a slight chance that one day - God forbid - if they get kidnapped their fate could end in cp.

I don't like being alone.

I realised it just now. I mean I've always known it but it never hit me. I don't like being alone. I really hate feeling lonely.

"You have attachment issues."

My friend told me this today. I haven't seen her in 18 months and suddenly she came out with this. I think we were talking about the guys I've [almost] been with and something else along those lines and it just amazed me that it was so obvious to her.

Have I ever complained about my family here?

I feel like I don't commend them enough.

They're the greatest people in the world. I don't know how they put up with me but they do it. They even tame me. If it wasn't for them I'd have gone crazier than I already am. That kind of crazy is the kind which goes way past the point of no return.

FAQ 7: I do it because I'm saying sorry.

I didn't realise I do much of what I do to say sorry. I'm going back to uni because it's my way of saying sorry to my dad that I'm a failure as a daughter. I constantly try to keep my kitchen clean because I want to say sorry to my mum for being a bad daughter. I spend almost too much time taking care of my nephew to say sorry to my sister that she had to deal with bring me up when I was a child. I take on the house shopping and strive to get a job because it's my way of saying sorry to my other sister that she ended up with that role. I haven't got the money to spend on house shopping yet still I do it. As for my brother, well, I don't see him enough to do things like this for him - instead I strive to maintain our relationship and strive to converse with him - that's something I have only done for a handful of people in my life.

Welcome back, anorexia! Pt. 2

So, why is she anorexic? I hear you ask. Because I was bullied, because I was insecure, because I wanna be pretty. I have narcissistic tendencies. I never realised it until recently, but my god, do I have great narcissistic tendencies! I want to be pretty. I want to stand out. I love the fact that pervs have a good look at me from top to bottom. I get off on it. I hate that guys I like don't look at me in the same way so I want to better myself for them. I want to be pretty for them. I want to fucking be loved. This is the only way I know to get attention and it's the only way I know how to get people to like me and accept me so I'm fucking sorry if I'm harming myself, I just want to be liked.

Welcome back, anorexia! Pt. 1

Have I ever spoken about my weight issues here? I can't remember doing so.

Without going into too much detail, I was a chubby child. I wasn't fat, I was simply chubby. I often got bullied by cousins, aunts, "friends" and strangers. When I was 10 years old a "friend" gave me a note saying these exact words: "you can't be my friend anymore because you're fat" and that was that. I screamed and cried and my dad got some powerful people involved. Nothing came of it, although my sister did go to school and threaten the bully. That was awesome.

I haven't been posting as much as I should be.

I'm still alive. Completely forgot about the blog these last couple of weeks.. A lot has been going on with my general health so not fun at all. I've got a couple of FAQs that need answering so those are the priority at the moment. I'm hoping to write and post them by the end of next week, but it really depends on if I get better by then.

Have I ever told you how I'm a good liar? Part 1.

12 months ago I had just started going through a gradual and gruelling break up. 10 months ago I started working as a call girl. I was 18 years old and still in school. The best was that I was living under my Muslim family's roof. On one particular day I was with a client about 17 miles away from home in a part of London I had never been to before then. My sister called me at 6pm to ask where I was and I told her I was "less than half a mile away dropping my Muslim friends off at their homes because their parents want to make sure that they're not lying when they say they're with their friends -- their parents don't trust them." I got home an hour later and she didn't suspect a thing.

This is the summary of one of my very favourite memories. The longer story shall come on a day I remember to write it! Until then, ciao for now.

A typical day for le emotions.

Just a post I sent to someone on Reddit as a reply. They suffer bipolar, I'm suspecting myself on bipolar. It seemed too reflective on my "typical day" to let go. So here we are:

"I've been suspecting myself of having bipolar but I'm waiting to change doctors until I can discuss seeing a therapist to look into it further. Although I do have BPD, from my own personal research I think "bipolar borderline" would be a better classification but I need to see a therapist before I begin to determine anything.

Remember when love was simply an ideal you could feel via music?

I used to be infatuated with the idea of love. I went to an all girls school during the earlier part of my teenage years so an unfortunate teacher because the object of my affections, or the medium through which I could exhibit my obsession.

Coming up to a year since I was raped.

As much as I like to blame myself or my ex about what happened to me, I've also started to put a lot of the blame on this particular moment. I think it was the 14th. I honestly can't remember which is weird for me because I'm the girl who remembers every date of every significant (personal) event. A huge part of me doesn't want to remember but an even bigger part of me wants to put myself through the torture of having my imagination repeat the day, hour to hour. I did that at the end of last month -- a year since I lost my virginity.