I have no self worth. I've spent so much time convincing myself otherwise in the past but now i realise it might be rapid cycling or the borderline's equivalent of that.
There are times when I feel like I'm on top of the world and times like now where I become a depressive I never knew existed within myself.
When I feel on top of the world is when even the most insignificant good thing happens to me. When I feel like this I convince myself that I am a confident person. I have a tendency to brag about it because I think if I show people that I'm confident then maybe they'll feel the same about themselves too. I'm hyperdependent on the smaller things in life because they're all I've got.
I don't have many friends. I don't know if I have any friends left. "Me, myself and I" is an understatement. I don't even have me because my mental illness just makes me so fucked out of my mind. I'm a fucking screw up.
I constantly ask myself how did I turn out to be like this. Truth be told, I have no fucking idea. I've always been a recluse. I've always been the weird kid that nobody wanted and the people that took her on felt forced to take her on -- they didn't want me. Nobody fucking wants me. The only people I have are my family because we're bound by blood. If my mum didn't give birth to me then even they wouldn't want me.
I'm just waiting for death to come wash over me. Hopefully I can find some peace then.
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