Welcome back, anorexia! Pt. 2

So, why is she anorexic? I hear you ask. Because I was bullied, because I was insecure, because I wanna be pretty. I have narcissistic tendencies. I never realised it until recently, but my god, do I have great narcissistic tendencies! I want to be pretty. I want to stand out. I love the fact that pervs have a good look at me from top to bottom. I get off on it. I hate that guys I like don't look at me in the same way so I want to better myself for them. I want to be pretty for them. I want to fucking be loved. This is the only way I know to get attention and it's the only way I know how to get people to like me and accept me so I'm fucking sorry if I'm harming myself, I just want to be liked.


Ah yes, that was the other thing I forgot to mention in the other post. I started self-harming some time between the end of 2011 and the beginning of 2012. I remember the first time so clearly. The severely reduced caloric intake was having a negative effect on my hormones and I was feeling depressive and like I was going fucking crazy. I grabbed a hair belt or rubber band or something and I found ways of hurting myself with it. I won't say how. I'd rather exclude that detail, so, whatever. Superchick were really important to me at this time. Music was my go-to. Superchick have a lot of songs on insecurity and broken mentality so they were perfect for me. They don't have the same effect anymore. Music just hasn't cut it since sex came into my life. Oh, and just for the record I haven't self-harmed in about 5 or 6 months. Last time I did was back in December/January when I felt like my cousin was taking over my life. I felt like she was trying to replace me as my sister's younger sister and as my nephew's aunt and I didn't know how to react so I did what I know best and I hurt myself. It's all I seem to know these days.

I'm feeling fat. I'm fucking bloated. Just because I hate myself and want you all to join me in my hatred of me, here's a picture of my fat and veeeeeeeery bloated self. I promise I do wake up with a flatter belly, not that it makes any different to you. And I'm sorry for the shit lighting. If I knew how to change a bulb then I would change mine.

I suck. Penis. And I just suck in general too. I've been trying to lose that last dress size for two years now but not even my first boyfriend could give me the motivation.

If you've been scarred here's a better picture of me.

Going back to my story, I stopped getting bullied when I turned 16, developed anorexia, and finally started losing the weight. At least I thought I did. It was just then that my brother-in-law came into my family's life and because that bastard was so insecure about his weight that he took it out on me and called me fat and then manipulated my sister into thinking that he was "teaching me a lesson" and making me emotionally stronger. He was one of the huge factors which made me emotionally retarded. But more on him in another post.

So! I showed you my fucking ugly belly! I hate myself. I want to look like this:

I wanna be so fucking skinny that I become invisible. I'm already invisible to everyone around me so becoming physically invisible won't make a fucking difference. That's the other reason as to why I inflict anorexia on myself. I want to become so skinny that I fucking disappear. I hate myself. It's clear to me that a lot of other people do too. No one understands the pain I'm feeling. I'm hurting and I'm having to hurt alone and I can't do it anymore.