FAQ 8: Why am I so alone?

I've never had anyone. My siblings were never siblings to me. They've always been my parents. My parents have never been parents to me, they've always been strangers. I've never had friends around who cared enough to stick around, I've never had friends who wanted to be my friends, full stop. The only person I ever loved was my first boyfriend but he just left without saying a word six weeks after we got together.

I snap at my mum a lot because a lot of what she says/does feels like an attack. There's only been one time in the last 19 months (since she's been at home full time) that she acted like a mum to me. I've never had a mum. My sister's adamant that I'm the villain in our relationship but she has no idea. All I want is for someone to care for me and someone to be a mum to me. I just want someone to hug me and to tell me that it's all okay. I've never had that.

I run into the arms of any man who takes me because at least they'll have me. I'm a human repeller. People can't stand me. There isn't one person in this world who likes me for me. Every time I think I found a place of belonging I'm always proven wrong. It's just not meant to happen. I'm just not meant to be happy? Why am I even alive? I'm a waste of air in this world. I'm a waste of life. Why was I given this life to live when I hate it? I don't want to live anymore. I can't do it.

I think I might be pregnant. If I am I'm not getting rid of this baby. I've had 19 months (since my last pregnancy scare) to think about what I would do if I were in this position again.

FAQ 7: I do it because I'm saying sorry.

I didn't realise I do much of what I do to say sorry. I'm going back to uni because it's my way of saying sorry to my dad that I'm a failure as a daughter. I constantly try to keep my kitchen clean because I want to say sorry to my mum for being a bad daughter. I spend almost too much time taking care of my nephew to say sorry to my sister that she had to deal with bring me up when I was a child. I take on the house shopping and strive to get a job because it's my way of saying sorry to my other sister that she ended up with that role. I haven't got the money to spend on house shopping yet still I do it. As for my brother, well, I don't see him enough to do things like this for him - instead I strive to maintain our relationship and strive to converse with him - that's something I have only done for a handful of people in my life.

FAQ 6: The "Eating Disorder Questionnaire", or mini FAQ's

Or as I like to call it: 'The How Fucking Crazy Am I? Questionnaire'

Name:

Age: 19

Gender: F

Height: 5’2

Starting Weight:  145lbs

Current Goal weight: 125lbs

Ultimate Goal weight: 115lbs

Lowest weight: 140

Highest weight: 180

Favorite Diet food: Scrambled egg and baked beans

Favorite Binge Food: Biscuits

Favorite exercise: Yoga

Does anyone know? Nope. Two friends but they may have forgotten.

What makes you slip up? Loneliness, insecurity, shame, desiring attention

FAQ 5: Do your family know about your mental health issues?

It's always difficult speaking to my family about my mental health. I suffer depression, which they know about, and borderline personality disorder which they don't know about. I also suffer anorexia (EDNOS in the DSM's pov, but I think the DSM is ridiculous) which, when they were aware of it, they would shout at me for having it, like it was my choice. They don't know I still suffer from it - they actually think I binge eat.

Telling them about the depression was easy - I simply Whatsapped my group with my siblings as soon as I was officially diagnosed and they just ignored it. They probably didn't believe me, or just figured I was being an overly sensitive drama queen. I've been suspecting it since I was 13 years old but I got the official diagnosis when I was 18. Telling them about the BPD is something that I can't imagine ever speaking about because they react to my mental health issues really inappropriately - they either shout at me or refuse to accept that there's anything wrong me. It's always "you're not mentally ill, you're just sensitive!" But they knows nothing of the real story. They have no idea what kind of life I lead when they're not around. They know the kind of mood swings I have aren't typical for girls my age (I'm 19), but they just blame it on hormones and my hypersensitivity to the world.

About the anorexia, well, the two times my sisters confronted me were probably the worst experiences I have ever had with them because they just shouted and shouted, and refused to accept that I wasn't in control of it. Over the last year I've managed to convince them that I binge eat so they've backed off.

I really want to be able to speak to them about it all. My eldest sister especially used to help me with my issues as a kid, but since I was 14/15 she just backed off and left me to deal with it all. It all eventually worsened. I can't speak to any of them because they just become completely irrational when it comes to mental health.

FAQ 4: I want to lose my virginity to a prostitute.

Okay, so, not necessarily a question but it does raise a thousand questions and I will at least try to tackle some of them. I will also add some as time goes on because I constantly see this question posted on Reddit and I think it's about time someone gave these people some guidance!

1. Is it a good idea?
Not exactly. If you're the typical person who has romantic idealisations about sex and want your first time to be romantic or emotionally fulfilling then no. If, however, you're apathetic then go for it, but for the typical person I feel obliged to say just wait until you find someone you like. That's probably the most overused bit of advice given for this particular question, but it's true.

What's it like being a call girl?: The work.

Knowing what I'm like - and if you've read most, if not, all my posts thus far, then you should know what I'm like by now! - I absolutely will not be able to answer this question in just one post. This question is essentially the sex worker's equivalent to "how long is a piece of string?". And while we're on the subject, my answer to that question is "as long as you want it to be". :p

To answer this incredibly bittersweet, i.e. annoying yet brilliant, question I think it would be easier for me to explain - and thus, for you to understand - each aspect in each post. By "aspect" I mean the work, the client, and me, and if I can think of anything else then that too.


So, cutting to the point, what is it like? It's exactly as you imagine it to be but a hell of a lot more stressful and a hell of a lot less glamorous than that. But, as one of my favourite meme's says:

FAQ 2: Are you manipulative?

LOL! I love this one.

tl;dr no.
Imagine me saying no like Simon Amstell at 00:47ish:

Practising that "no" took more time than anyone could imagine! I still haven't got it down right. :(

Context: People with BPD are often said to be manipulative. I'm presuming that's where the "don't stick your dick in crazy" comes from when talking about borderlines because a lot of people have reported that their borderline partners threatened things like suicide if they left them. I even read something yesterday about some guy's girlfriend slashing his tires when he left her.
hehehe I developed a theory on that as I was typing it: maybe she was subconsciously putting the breaks on him which is why she went for the tires. omg i'm such a psychology nerd! love. it.

FAQ 1: Can I find you on *insert social network site here*?

No. Well, not yet. If/when I get enough followers or readers or whatever (and don't ask me how I will know when that happens because I have no idea!) then I might consider going on Twitter or Facebook or whatever. For now, because Google are forcing it on me, I am on Google+. Follow that if you want.