I've never had anyone. My siblings were never siblings to me. They've always been my parents. My parents have never been parents to me, they've always been strangers. I've never had friends around who cared enough to stick around, I've never had friends who wanted to be my friends, full stop. The only person I ever loved was my first boyfriend but he just left without saying a word six weeks after we got together.
I snap at my mum a lot because a lot of what she says/does feels like an attack. There's only been one time in the last 19 months (since she's been at home full time) that she acted like a mum to me. I've never had a mum. My sister's adamant that I'm the villain in our relationship but she has no idea. All I want is for someone to care for me and someone to be a mum to me. I just want someone to hug me and to tell me that it's all okay. I've never had that.
I run into the arms of any man who takes me because at least they'll have me. I'm a human repeller. People can't stand me. There isn't one person in this world who likes me for me. Every time I think I found a place of belonging I'm always proven wrong. It's just not meant to happen. I'm just not meant to be happy? Why am I even alive? I'm a waste of air in this world. I'm a waste of life. Why was I given this life to live when I hate it? I don't want to live anymore. I can't do it.
I think I might be pregnant. If I am I'm not getting rid of this baby. I've had 19 months (since my last pregnancy scare) to think about what I would do if I were in this position again.
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