I don't know how to cope. I'm not ready for him to die. I don't even know him properly, he's been working for my entire life. He's never been a significant part and now I don't know what to do. I don't cope well with loss. Last time I lost someone, I became a prostitute. What the fuck is going happen this time? It's my dad, for Christ's sake. I don't want to lose him. The idea of him being just 20 feet away and at home whilsf almost having a heart attack is scaring me. He's my dad. If it was recent then his last day could come any time soon. He's dying, my mum's dying, I'm losing everyone. I can't do this anymore. I'm scared. For my entire life I said I wanted to go before my family because I can't cope with grief. Now this is happening.
Dad is like a god in human form. He takes care of literally everyone. He will dig you out of shit when you need him. He will give you what you've been wanting for so long and he won't know it. I just want to hug him now but I don't know how. I'm scared I'm going to lose my dad. It's hurting me like I never expected. I always told myself that I would be okay when either his or mum's time come because I barely know them but I'm just hurting and it's scaring me and I don't know what to do.
I'm this family's baby. No one tells .me anything because they all know how sensitive I am. Out of the blue, in the middle of a conversation with my cousin, I suddenly hear her say "I heard your dad almost had a heart attack the other day" like it's something so insignificant. I'm not ready to lose my dad. I don't know the man but I know he has a heart of gold. He is literally the reason why a ridiculous amount of families, rather, people, are living comfortable lives today. Every single one of those people think he's naive and easily manipulated, and they're not wrong. They're the ones manipulating him ans forcing him to care for them, making him neglect us - his real family. I always hear how he's been buying food and giving money and doing other bullshit for families who are getting more than necessary from the government through things like benefits and whatnot and yet he's paying for all their mortgages and all their groceries and it's hurting me because I need my dad. I shouldn't be feeling like this. The only kind of security I ever got from the guy was financial, same with my mum, yet everything I'm saying even goes for her. I'm so scared. I don't want to do this. After everything he's done, is doing, and will do for an infinite amount of people will be forgotten. These people won't remember as the guy who literally saved ALL their lives, they're just going to remember him as the guy who was easily manipulated into helping people who didn't need help.
He's been through so much, people put him through so much. He feels the weight of a thousand worlds on his shoulders because a thousand people make him responsible for their worlds. No one cuts him some slack, I'm getting out a fucking loan because I'm hoping that if I stop taking pocket money then that might help a bit but I don't know how I'm going to tell him because the only time we speak is when he gives me money.
I almost had my first panic attack in a long time when I found out. I don't know what to do. I don't know who to speak to. I'm so scared and so lost, it hasn't even happened yet, but I know it's coming. I really wish we had a relationship.
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