Searching for triggers

For those who have read thus far, you should be aware of my breakdown. For those who are here for the first time, know that I had a breakdown during spring/summer this year. This is a particularly important fact as it was the foundation for my becoming the "Borderline Courtesan".

During my breakdown I worked as a call girl and convinced myself that that was my life. This eventually  lead to me getting horrible grades in college. Still, I forced myself into university because I thought this would force me to stay sane and more importantly, not have another breakdown and sabotage myself in using and abusing my body with sex. For a short while I convinced myself that I was doing okay, but those feelings of emptiness shot through the dark and are appearing again. All I can think of is working as a call girl again even though it terrifies me because I put myself in so many life threatening positions before I retired in the summer.

I'm terrified of having another breakdown, or even a sort of "mini breakdown" (is there a technical term for this?) yet still I'm pushing myself toward triggers and feeding myself more and more self-depriciative thoughts because I just need to feel wanted or liked or something. I don't know.

My ex has been contaminating my mind recently and I think this may the reason for this "breakdown pt. 2". Him leaving really pulled the trigger on the meltdown last time and now I just can't stop missing him and it's hurting me in ways that are so familiar, I'm feeling those exact feelings I had when I was allowing random strangers touch me in ways that are starting to take their toll now. It's hurting me so much and all I tend to think is that he (my ex) will make things better, but at the same time, after knowing the little I know of BPD, I just can't tell if he's my problem or if I am.

It's so hard, and I'm so sick of putting him on a pedestal he doesn't deserve, yet still I do it and I don't know why. I managed to convince myself that he's the only person in my life that chose to stick around even though he knew things about me like my mental and eating disorders (this was pre-prostitution). But that was all a lie. He left me without even telling me he was leaving me. Over and over and over again people do this shit and I never know how to react. I'm terrified. I've even started crying myself to sleep again. I haven't done this since May or June.