Is it at all possible to "rape" yourself? I'm pretty sure I'm talking about hypersexuality but I don't know for sure. I still need to research this.
Since my call girl days I essentially become somewhat of an agoraphobia or a hermit and until recently I completely forgot how to socialise.
In uni, there's this guy who I'm starting to become "mates" with. It's nothing serious, sexual nor romantic. In other words: he's not my type, and that's purely because I speak a lot but when he speaks I don't properly understand him because his voice is naturally "muffled". He hasn't got control over it so I obviously don't blame him. Anyway, sometimes he taps me on the shoulder or the arm when he thinks he's saying something funny or something of importance, and when he does this, I jump. Immediately panic attack-like symptoms begin but then I force myself to calm down because nothing will happen.
As far as I know, I've never been raped. I have been physically groped on the train when I was 15 and the man got to a point where his hand was inside my trousers and grabbing my bum. I highly doubt this would count as sexual assault because I let him continue doing it once I realised why he placed his hand on my back as soon as he got on the train. Actually, on a completely different note, my reaction to this seems so BPDish. I always thought my breakdown ignited the BPD but clearly not. My reaction was that I basically disassociated myself and started silently laughing because what this man did absolutely did not feel real, or feel like it was happening to me. In all honesty - and never in my life have I ever admitted this to anyone, neither online, nor irl - I liked it. I don't mean this in a sexual way, I mean it in a more 'it was nice to have some affection to fill the emptiness' way. God, I'm so screwed up.
I've forgotten what I was writing about. Right, rape. Yes, no. I was on the bus today and a very tall guy sat next to me. While I felt somewhat protected (ex boyfriend was tall, he made me feel protected so I now associated this feeling with him), I also felt threatened at the same time because our arms were touching for a moment. I was scared at the thought that any minute he could sexually abuse me even though it was probably unlikely.
This feeling doesn't just occur when males touch me, same goes for females. A little tap on the shoulder triggers my urge to roundhouse kick them in the face because I get scares. What in the fucking hell is wrong with me?
No comments:
Post a Comment