I don't know how to cope. I'm not ready for him to die. I don't even know him properly, he's been working for my entire life. He's never been a significant part and now I don't know what to do. I don't cope well with loss. Last time I lost someone, I became a prostitute. What the fuck is going happen this time? It's my dad, for Christ's sake. I don't want to lose him. The idea of him being just 20 feet away and at home whilsf almost having a heart attack is scaring me. He's my dad. If it was recent then his last day could come any time soon. He's dying, my mum's dying, I'm losing everyone. I can't do this anymore. I'm scared. For my entire life I said I wanted to go before my family because I can't cope with grief. Now this is happening.
Thursday, 31 October 2013
Tuesday, 29 October 2013
Sunday, 27 October 2013
Awkward night thoughts 2
"You've made so many mistakes. One day they'll all come and bite you in the arse and you won't be able to do anything about it. All you can do is be ready."
Just something I occasionally have to remind myself.
Don't know my home, I don't know my place. I just wanna be theeeeerrreeee.
Holy god, this girl can write.
Sunday, 20 October 2013
Awkward night thoughts
Will be posting an FAQ on "who is Boyfriend?" as soon as I sit my ass down in front of my laptop. I haven't opened the damn thing in a week thanks to uni.
Anyway, welcome to awkward night thoughts. These are so irrelevant but I can't speak to anyone about them and so I only have my blog to speak to. Loneliness cries.
So, tonight I have concluded that I am a "dickface".
I was thinking about Boyfriend and my relationship with him. I remembered this one particular moment we were comparing lip balms. I had about five different scented ones in my bag (forgive me! I'm a teenage girl living her childhood dream of being/smelling pretty!) and he had one, specifically that pink tinted Vaseline one. He said that he asked a girl at work to buy him one and she got him that one and that's when it hit me: if he wasn't comfortable asking me to get him something so small like a little Vaseline pot, and I just wasn't incredibly comfortable being "normal" (meaning not a try-hard) around him then maybe we weren't right for each other.
I spent so much time placing him on a pedestal because I was terrified of not finding anyone else that would match up to his standards, and his standards were too perfect to be true at the time. I felt like I didn't deserve him or that I was too imperfect for him. In reality, I guess we just weren't as comfortable as we should have been. This made me come to my aforementioned conclusion regarding me just being "an uncomfortable dickface".
Sunday, 13 October 2013
SAPA Project: It's still not fucking accurate! Part 2.
Your score on the Emotional Stability test suggests that you are somewhat emotionally stable.Nonono. No. Fucking. No.
I'm sorry, but have you seen or heard of other 18 year old girls practically failing their A Levels (I got CDD when I was expected BBB! I HAD THREE FUCKING RE-TAKES!) because they were too busy having a breakdown during which they chose to get paid for having sex with random strangers they never met before? I'm a fucking screw up yet this test makes me seem like I'm a psychological saint.
For what it's worth, have some results:
The SAPA Test. My Results. Part 1
Individual differences are one of my most favourite things in the whole world. As a child I did personality test after IQ test after personality test after personality test after personality test. Even though most of the tests I did were full of bs, I stiill enjoyed thoroughly enjoyed them because learning about me meant a better ability at learning about/reading other people. As I grew older I started becoming so much more curious and the differences in personality and why individuals are individuals.
When I was 15 years old I was introduced to the MBTI, and later, the Enneagram. I've spent years reading about them and researching them and doing them every few months. I don't think I've taken either test in about 18 months, actually. That's something I'm so doing tomorrow!
Just now I was introduced to the SAPA Project and I just had to do it. Every bone in my body wants to go sleep, but before sleep must come Psychology! I did it. I didn't do it as thoroughly as I'd like so I will do it again tomorrow, but as a sort of 'test run', my results are:
When I was 15 years old I was introduced to the MBTI, and later, the Enneagram. I've spent years reading about them and researching them and doing them every few months. I don't think I've taken either test in about 18 months, actually. That's something I'm so doing tomorrow!
Just now I was introduced to the SAPA Project and I just had to do it. Every bone in my body wants to go sleep, but before sleep must come Psychology! I did it. I didn't do it as thoroughly as I'd like so I will do it again tomorrow, but as a sort of 'test run', my results are:
Saturday, 12 October 2013
Friday, 11 October 2013
FAQ 4: I want to lose my virginity to a prostitute.
Okay, so, not necessarily a question but it does raise a thousand questions and I will at least try to tackle some of them. I will also add some as time goes on because I constantly see this question posted on Reddit and I think it's about time someone gave these people some guidance!
1. Is it a good idea?
Not exactly. If you're the typical person who has romantic idealisations about sex and want your first time to be romantic or emotionally fulfilling then no. If, however, you're apathetic then go for it, but for the typical person I feel obliged to say just wait until you find someone you like. That's probably the most overused bit of advice given for this particular question, but it's true.
1. Is it a good idea?
Not exactly. If you're the typical person who has romantic idealisations about sex and want your first time to be romantic or emotionally fulfilling then no. If, however, you're apathetic then go for it, but for the typical person I feel obliged to say just wait until you find someone you like. That's probably the most overused bit of advice given for this particular question, but it's true.
Thursday, 10 October 2013
I panic when I'm touched
Is it at all possible to "rape" yourself? I'm pretty sure I'm talking about hypersexuality but I don't know for sure. I still need to research this.
Since my call girl days I essentially become somewhat of an agoraphobia or a hermit and until recently I completely forgot how to socialise.
Searching for triggers
For those who have read thus far, you should be aware of my breakdown. For those who are here for the first time, know that I had a breakdown during spring/summer this year. This is a particularly important fact as it was the foundation for my becoming the "Borderline Courtesan".
What's it like being a call girl?: The work.
Knowing what I'm like - and if you've read most, if not, all my posts thus far, then you should know what I'm like by now! - I absolutely will not be able to answer this question in just one post. This question is essentially the sex worker's equivalent to "how long is a piece of string?". And while we're on the subject, my answer to that question is "as long as you want it to be". :p
To answer this incredibly bittersweet, i.e. annoying yet brilliant, question I think it would be easier for me to explain - and thus, for you to understand - each aspect in each post. By "aspect" I mean the work, the client, and me, and if I can think of anything else then that too.
So, cutting to the point, what is it like? It's exactly as you imagine it to be but a hell of a lot more stressful and a hell of a lot less glamorous than that. But, as one of my favourite meme's says:
To answer this incredibly bittersweet, i.e. annoying yet brilliant, question I think it would be easier for me to explain - and thus, for you to understand - each aspect in each post. By "aspect" I mean the work, the client, and me, and if I can think of anything else then that too.
So, cutting to the point, what is it like? It's exactly as you imagine it to be but a hell of a lot more stressful and a hell of a lot less glamorous than that. But, as one of my favourite meme's says:
Monday, 7 October 2013
FAQ 3: What's your opinion on mental health?
I did an oopsy. In other words: I spent hours rambling when I had more important things to do. What I intended to be at least three lines turned into a ten thousand word rant. It gets emotional when I talk about pubes. Well, for me it did.
Answer: That's like asking what my opinion is on people.
I know that everyone in the entire fucking world experiences a mental health issue at least once their lives, it's only the special ones such as myself who screw themselves up even further by acting on said issue in an inappropriate way. In my case, I was always le rejected one so throughout my childhood and teenagehood I learnt that no one would ever want me.
Answer: That's like asking what my opinion is on people.
I know that everyone in the entire fucking world experiences a mental health issue at least once their lives, it's only the special ones such as myself who screw themselves up even further by acting on said issue in an inappropriate way. In my case, I was always le rejected one so throughout my childhood and teenagehood I learnt that no one would ever want me.
FAQ 2: Are you manipulative?
LOL! I love this one.
tl;dr no.
Imagine me saying no like Simon Amstell at 00:47ish:
Practising that "no" took more time than anyone could imagine! I still haven't got it down right. :(
Context: People with BPD are often said to be manipulative. I'm presuming that's where the "don't stick your dick in crazy" comes from when talking about borderlines because a lot of people have reported that their borderline partners threatened things like suicide if they left them. I even read something yesterday about some guy's girlfriend slashing his tires when he left her.
hehehe I developed a theory on that as I was typing it: maybe she was subconsciously putting the breaks on him which is why she went for the tires. omg i'm such a psychology nerd! love. it.
tl;dr no.
Imagine me saying no like Simon Amstell at 00:47ish:
Context: People with BPD are often said to be manipulative. I'm presuming that's where the "don't stick your dick in crazy" comes from when talking about borderlines because a lot of people have reported that their borderline partners threatened things like suicide if they left them. I even read something yesterday about some guy's girlfriend slashing his tires when he left her.
hehehe I developed a theory on that as I was typing it: maybe she was subconsciously putting the breaks on him which is why she went for the tires. omg i'm such a psychology nerd! love. it.
Why I'm probably forever alone...
...and why I'm convincing myself to be happy with that.
 |
| (This isn't the reason I'm probably forever alone!) |
I hate cheesy posts
I really do, but this one will be one of them so we just have to endure it because it's not going anywhere.
I can't say exactly why but this picture gives me a sense of relief. Whenever I think about my recent past I despise myself, but at the time I'm so glad it happened because if it wasn't sex work then it would've been drinking or drugs or something else. But still, I hate myself. I don't know how I became the way that I am. Every time I try to think about potential triggers, I keep going back to the first big event in my life where I got bullied for my weight at the delicate age of 6. (For the record that bullying stopped when I developed anorexia and lost some weight at 16.) But surely that can't be enough to provoke so many mental health issues? I guess I'll be addressing this question at a later date because right now I really need sleep!
I can't say exactly why but this picture gives me a sense of relief. Whenever I think about my recent past I despise myself, but at the time I'm so glad it happened because if it wasn't sex work then it would've been drinking or drugs or something else. But still, I hate myself. I don't know how I became the way that I am. Every time I try to think about potential triggers, I keep going back to the first big event in my life where I got bullied for my weight at the delicate age of 6. (For the record that bullying stopped when I developed anorexia and lost some weight at 16.) But surely that can't be enough to provoke so many mental health issues? I guess I'll be addressing this question at a later date because right now I really need sleep!
Sunday, 6 October 2013
FAQ 1: Can I find you on *insert social network site here*?
No. Well, not yet. If/when I get enough followers or readers or whatever (and don't ask me how I will know when that happens because I have no idea!) then I might consider going on Twitter or Facebook or whatever. For now, because Google are forcing it on me, I am on Google+. Follow that if you want.
My past is coming back to haunt me. I'm terrified.
Every other day I wake up to the sound of someone knocking on my front door and I begin my day feeling terrified and anxious. My heart palpitates so aggressively that sometimes I can't help but think it might break out of my chest and run for the hills, in exactly the same way as I wish to do. The person at the door could just be any innocent like a postman or my sister but every single time I hear it knock I jump and immediately freeze like a deer in headlights, and no matter what room I'm in or how far I might be from the front door, everything in me shudders and faces toward that door because I fear the worst and I fear him.
For a future post
I'm going through some Laurie porn in preparation for this blog.
Here's something for later:
Saturday, 5 October 2013
Ignore me, I'm a freak.
Have some uncensored truths:
I've suffered six mental disorders in the last 3 years: body dysmorphic disorder, anorexia, bulimia, depression, binge eating disorder, and borderline personality disorder. Anxiety/social anxiety also fits somewhere in there. I've never been hospitalised and if it wasn't for my family then I would be a danger to myself. Right now I'm forcing recovery because I haven't got a choice. As suicidal as I may be, I can't allow it to be an option because my family don't deserve it so I have to live.
I've suffered six mental disorders in the last 3 years: body dysmorphic disorder, anorexia, bulimia, depression, binge eating disorder, and borderline personality disorder. Anxiety/social anxiety also fits somewhere in there. I've never been hospitalised and if it wasn't for my family then I would be a danger to myself. Right now I'm forcing recovery because I haven't got a choice. As suicidal as I may be, I can't allow it to be an option because my family don't deserve it so I have to live.
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