Child pornography is a real thing

Tonight's post isn't about me. As you can obviously tell from the title it's about child pornography,  or "cp" as some like to censor it. It's almost as if saying the words child pornography make people feel scared and shameful. Wanna know what I feel? Guilt. It kills me knowing that there are so many kids out there suffering such a horror. It puts me off having my own children because there could be a slight chance that one day - God forbid - if they get kidnapped their fate could end in cp.

I don't like being alone.

I realised it just now. I mean I've always known it but it never hit me. I don't like being alone. I really hate feeling lonely.

"You have attachment issues."

My friend told me this today. I haven't seen her in 18 months and suddenly she came out with this. I think we were talking about the guys I've [almost] been with and something else along those lines and it just amazed me that it was so obvious to her.

Have I ever complained about my family here?

I feel like I don't commend them enough.

They're the greatest people in the world. I don't know how they put up with me but they do it. They even tame me. If it wasn't for them I'd have gone crazier than I already am. That kind of crazy is the kind which goes way past the point of no return.

Ahahaha I knew I liked Buffy for a reason.

The Borderline Personality Disorder Test

"Keep breaking what's been fixed a thousand times"

I have another blog! I always wanted to do this blog. Never have I had the motivation until now.

So here it is: fatnutjob.blogspot.com

It's a weightloss and thinspo blog. It's my journey. People with eating disorders, I'd advise you to not visit it. It could be a real trigger.

Apparently I'm overweight.

Surely not?

FAQ 7: I do it because I'm saying sorry.

I didn't realise I do much of what I do to say sorry. I'm going back to uni because it's my way of saying sorry to my dad that I'm a failure as a daughter. I constantly try to keep my kitchen clean because I want to say sorry to my mum for being a bad daughter. I spend almost too much time taking care of my nephew to say sorry to my sister that she had to deal with bring me up when I was a child. I take on the house shopping and strive to get a job because it's my way of saying sorry to my other sister that she ended up with that role. I haven't got the money to spend on house shopping yet still I do it. As for my brother, well, I don't see him enough to do things like this for him - instead I strive to maintain our relationship and strive to converse with him - that's something I have only done for a handful of people in my life.

It's already working. Also, if you're scarred by that other picture of me, here's a better one.

I almost couldn't eat cake today. I've had a biscuit, one piece of chocolate and later made custard to have with two last slices of cake. I spent the entire day picturing my disgusting. waist so that helped put me off. Plus it's the first time in I don't know how long where I didn't have chocolate for breakfast!

When I was having the cake and custard I felt disgusting. This means I got somewhere today! Yay me! Hopefully I'll finally stop binge eating. I hate myself for doing it. It makes me feel even more disgusted with myself than I usually am.

FAQ 6: The "Eating Disorder Questionnaire", or mini FAQ's

Or as I like to call it: 'The How Fucking Crazy Am I? Questionnaire'

Name:

Age: 19

Gender: F

Height: 5’2

Starting Weight:  145lbs

Current Goal weight: 125lbs

Ultimate Goal weight: 115lbs

Lowest weight: 140

Highest weight: 180

Favorite Diet food: Scrambled egg and baked beans

Favorite Binge Food: Biscuits

Favorite exercise: Yoga

Does anyone know? Nope. Two friends but they may have forgotten.

What makes you slip up? Loneliness, insecurity, shame, desiring attention

Something nice for a change.

I have always slightly loved him.

Anorexia music

It's like an anorexia series.

Here's some of the music I was speaking about in "Welcome back, anorexia! Pt. 1".

Welcome back, anorexia! Pt. 2

So, why is she anorexic? I hear you ask. Because I was bullied, because I was insecure, because I wanna be pretty. I have narcissistic tendencies. I never realised it until recently, but my god, do I have great narcissistic tendencies! I want to be pretty. I want to stand out. I love the fact that pervs have a good look at me from top to bottom. I get off on it. I hate that guys I like don't look at me in the same way so I want to better myself for them. I want to be pretty for them. I want to fucking be loved. This is the only way I know to get attention and it's the only way I know how to get people to like me and accept me so I'm fucking sorry if I'm harming myself, I just want to be liked.

Welcome back, anorexia! Pt. 1

Have I ever spoken about my weight issues here? I can't remember doing so.

Without going into too much detail, I was a chubby child. I wasn't fat, I was simply chubby. I often got bullied by cousins, aunts, "friends" and strangers. When I was 10 years old a "friend" gave me a note saying these exact words: "you can't be my friend anymore because you're fat" and that was that. I screamed and cried and my dad got some powerful people involved. Nothing came of it, although my sister did go to school and threaten the bully. That was awesome.