FAQ 7: I do it because I'm saying sorry.

I didn't realise I do much of what I do to say sorry. I'm going back to uni because it's my way of saying sorry to my dad that I'm a failure as a daughter. I constantly try to keep my kitchen clean because I want to say sorry to my mum for being a bad daughter. I spend almost too much time taking care of my nephew to say sorry to my sister that she had to deal with bring me up when I was a child. I take on the house shopping and strive to get a job because it's my way of saying sorry to my other sister that she ended up with that role. I haven't got the money to spend on house shopping yet still I do it. As for my brother, well, I don't see him enough to do things like this for him - instead I strive to maintain our relationship and strive to converse with him - that's something I have only done for a handful of people in my life.

It's already working. Also, if you're scarred by that other picture of me, here's a better one.

I almost couldn't eat cake today. I've had a biscuit, one piece of chocolate and later made custard to have with two last slices of cake. I spent the entire day picturing my disgusting. waist so that helped put me off. Plus it's the first time in I don't know how long where I didn't have chocolate for breakfast!

When I was having the cake and custard I felt disgusting. This means I got somewhere today! Yay me! Hopefully I'll finally stop binge eating. I hate myself for doing it. It makes me feel even more disgusted with myself than I usually am.

FAQ 6: The "Eating Disorder Questionnaire", or mini FAQ's

Or as I like to call it: 'The How Fucking Crazy Am I? Questionnaire'

Name:

Age: 19

Gender: F

Height: 5’2

Starting Weight:  145lbs

Current Goal weight: 125lbs

Ultimate Goal weight: 115lbs

Lowest weight: 140

Highest weight: 180

Favorite Diet food: Scrambled egg and baked beans

Favorite Binge Food: Biscuits

Favorite exercise: Yoga

Does anyone know? Nope. Two friends but they may have forgotten.

What makes you slip up? Loneliness, insecurity, shame, desiring attention

Something nice for a change.

I have always slightly loved him.

Anorexia music

It's like an anorexia series.

Here's some of the music I was speaking about in "Welcome back, anorexia! Pt. 1".

Welcome back, anorexia! Pt. 2

So, why is she anorexic? I hear you ask. Because I was bullied, because I was insecure, because I wanna be pretty. I have narcissistic tendencies. I never realised it until recently, but my god, do I have great narcissistic tendencies! I want to be pretty. I want to stand out. I love the fact that pervs have a good look at me from top to bottom. I get off on it. I hate that guys I like don't look at me in the same way so I want to better myself for them. I want to be pretty for them. I want to fucking be loved. This is the only way I know to get attention and it's the only way I know how to get people to like me and accept me so I'm fucking sorry if I'm harming myself, I just want to be liked.

Welcome back, anorexia! Pt. 1

Have I ever spoken about my weight issues here? I can't remember doing so.

Without going into too much detail, I was a chubby child. I wasn't fat, I was simply chubby. I often got bullied by cousins, aunts, "friends" and strangers. When I was 10 years old a "friend" gave me a note saying these exact words: "you can't be my friend anymore because you're fat" and that was that. I screamed and cried and my dad got some powerful people involved. Nothing came of it, although my sister did go to school and threaten the bully. That was awesome.