Stripping

I want to go into stripping. It would be a lot more difficult than being a call girl but I think I'd enjoy it.

Obviously in my current living situation (under my Muslim family's roof where my curfew is 8pm in the summer and 7pm in the winter) I can't do that, but it's a plan if I'm ever kicked out.

My mum

I just heard my mum puke and had to deal with the aftermath without my siblings. I'm not used to seeing her ill even though she's been ill (with an undiagnosed illness) for all my life.

I can't stop crying. I'm so scared. When she was on the phone yesterday she kept saying she felt like she was going to die a few days ago because she was really ill and now I'm so scared. I'm a horrible daughter. I don't want her to go thinking that I'm her worst mistake.

I'm not ready to lose her. I'm so scared. I had to deal with this alone without any of my siblings around and I just didn't know what I was doing. I'm so scared. It's like a huge wake up call. For the first time in a long time I actually wish her loud voice (when she plays with my nephew) wakes me up in the morning.

Child pornography is a real thing

Tonight's post isn't about me. As you can obviously tell from the title it's about child pornography,  or "cp" as some like to censor it. It's almost as if saying the words child pornography make people feel scared and shameful. Wanna know what I feel? Guilt. It kills me knowing that there are so many kids out there suffering such a horror. It puts me off having my own children because there could be a slight chance that one day - God forbid - if they get kidnapped their fate could end in cp.

I don't like being alone.

I realised it just now. I mean I've always known it but it never hit me. I don't like being alone. I really hate feeling lonely.

"You have attachment issues."

My friend told me this today. I haven't seen her in 18 months and suddenly she came out with this. I think we were talking about the guys I've [almost] been with and something else along those lines and it just amazed me that it was so obvious to her.

Have I ever complained about my family here?

I feel like I don't commend them enough.

They're the greatest people in the world. I don't know how they put up with me but they do it. They even tame me. If it wasn't for them I'd have gone crazier than I already am. That kind of crazy is the kind which goes way past the point of no return.

Ahahaha I knew I liked Buffy for a reason.