When I look inside

When I look inside and into my past I see that nothing has changed. I'm still that naive little girl who never learnt to grow up.

"In youth we learn; in age we understand."

It feels like the opposite for me.

I have no place in my family

I have a myriad reasons to dislike my cousin, but there's only one reason to explain why I hate her.

My siblings treat her like she's their own. When it comes to me I may as well be a complete stranger, or even a slave.

If I died tomorrow they wouldn't bat an eyelid.  If she died they would feel a hole in their hearts.

She makes them laugh. I make them cry.

When she's having issues they all jump on board to help her sort it and they'll have the same conversation with her over and over and over again. When it comes to me I'm left to do it all on my own. They refuse to help.

When she's around I'm no one. She has a better relationship with my dad than I do. She can speak to my mum like I can't.  She can make my siblings laugh. I can't make them smile, never mind making them laugh.

I have no place in this family. She has a greater effect on my family than I do.

FAQ 8: Why am I so alone?

I've never had anyone. My siblings were never siblings to me. They've always been my parents. My parents have never been parents to me, they've always been strangers. I've never had friends around who cared enough to stick around, I've never had friends who wanted to be my friends, full stop. The only person I ever loved was my first boyfriend but he just left without saying a word six weeks after we got together.

I snap at my mum a lot because a lot of what she says/does feels like an attack. There's only been one time in the last 19 months (since she's been at home full time) that she acted like a mum to me. I've never had a mum. My sister's adamant that I'm the villain in our relationship but she has no idea. All I want is for someone to care for me and someone to be a mum to me. I just want someone to hug me and to tell me that it's all okay. I've never had that.

I run into the arms of any man who takes me because at least they'll have me. I'm a human repeller. People can't stand me. There isn't one person in this world who likes me for me. Every time I think I found a place of belonging I'm always proven wrong. It's just not meant to happen. I'm just not meant to be happy? Why am I even alive? I'm a waste of air in this world. I'm a waste of life. Why was I given this life to live when I hate it? I don't want to live anymore. I can't do it.

I think I might be pregnant. If I am I'm not getting rid of this baby. I've had 19 months (since my last pregnancy scare) to think about what I would do if I were in this position again.

Feeling an overwhelming sadness.

No one wants me. I'm pretty my own mum hates me. I feel obliged to care for my nephew because she (mum) can't do it well, so I can't go out and have fun/meet guys. I really need some fucking male attention.

Stripping

I want to go into stripping. It would be a lot more difficult than being a call girl but I think I'd enjoy it.

Obviously in my current living situation (under my Muslim family's roof where my curfew is 8pm in the summer and 7pm in the winter) I can't do that, but it's a plan if I'm ever kicked out.

My mum

I just heard my mum puke and had to deal with the aftermath without my siblings. I'm not used to seeing her ill even though she's been ill (with an undiagnosed illness) for all my life.

I can't stop crying. I'm so scared. When she was on the phone yesterday she kept saying she felt like she was going to die a few days ago because she was really ill and now I'm so scared. I'm a horrible daughter. I don't want her to go thinking that I'm her worst mistake.

I'm not ready to lose her. I'm so scared. I had to deal with this alone without any of my siblings around and I just didn't know what I was doing. I'm so scared. It's like a huge wake up call. For the first time in a long time I actually wish her loud voice (when she plays with my nephew) wakes me up in the morning.