I'm better alone.

Still trying to get over Boyfriend. I'm sitting in my room, staring at the black sky, I'm in almost exactly the same position I was in just over 11 months ago. I remember this one particular moment because it was one of the first times where I learnt to feel happiness -- I was teaching myself to draw and speaking to Boyfriend (who, at the time, was just 'friend') and it was one of the most serene moments. I always felt this sense of serenity when I spoke to him.

We both knew we would somehow end up together, in fact, we planned for me to run away with him around this time of this year. Obviously things did not turn out as we planned. Now, 11 months later, I'm in the same position as I was but this time, I'm not killing every little part of me at the thought of having a relationship and having that one person there to protect me. I'm staring at the black sky (something I like to do when I need to think) and I'm realising that unlike 11 months ago, I'm not feeling that almost severe pressure to have a relationship because I've been there, I've done that, it's almost killed me. It depresses me to think that I can never enter another relationship again because it's just not safe, but at the same time I feel relief because being in a relationship with Boyfriend was so difficult because the thing right at the top of my mind was the fear that he'd leave. And he did. It broke me. I'm better alone because when alone, I don't have this fear tearing me apart. The more I tell myself this, the faster I get used to it. The faster I get used to it, the easier it'll be on my adult self to accept.