Mindfulness and bipolar

https://purplepersuasion.wordpress.com/2012/11/30/mindfulness-for-bipolar-disorder-simpler-than-you-think/

I just watched a documentary called Being Bipolar. The 36 year old guy was like the 36 year old male version of me.

The madonna-whore complex.

Here's an interesting article I found

Linky

The decision

I want to change. I want to stop letting everything get to me. I want to stop being so emotional and sensitive. I want to learn to let go.

I want to stop hurting. I want to stop letting every little mistake get to me.

It's not okay to be "severely sensitive". Equally it's not okay to be an ignorant bitch. People are human. People will make humane mistakes. Take several steps forward and don't let them ruin you.

He wants to own me.

Hello. Still here.

I have a boyfriend. Every time I think I know what to think of him, something always changes. Today he brought out a brand new side of him that I didn't expect would come out so soon. He said he wants me to be his whore. He wants to own me. He wants me labelled with tattoos of his name, the word "whore", and a significant date that might come up one day.

The stories in Nymphomaniac might one day become my stories.

He wants to label me and brand me as his own. He's possessive yet he wants to see me with other men.

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to think. I'm conflicted. This seems like it's a disaster just waiting to happen, but at the same time it could be the best thing ever to happen to me. Someone actually wants a future with me. Someone actually wants to love me.

I don't know if I feel uncomfortable. I don't know what I feel. I feel numb.

Really fucking awesome!

"I've always depended on the kindness of strangers."

It amazes me how comfortable I feel in the arms of a stranger. I'm thinking about one person in particular here - Chris. The first time I met him we slept together. I hugged him like I knew him for years. I kissed him like I belonged with him. I don't even know his last name.

With my clients I was the same. I touched them like I knew them. Kissed them like I belonged to them. And, of course, for that hour I did. But it was something more than that. There was a kind of energy that my unconscious mind utilised. I needed it more than they did. I needed the kindness of those strangers to make me feel wanted. They didn't love me - not emotionally or psychologically(?).  They loved me physically and that was good enough. It is good enough.

Years ago I detested the idea of superficial relationships. Now I thrive on them. Especially the kind that give me good business.

Feeling stupid and inferior.

Just now I was speaking to my cousins about TV shows. I mentioned that someone once compared me to Donna in Suits, and immediately my cousins jumped down my throat saying how "cool" and "funny" Donna is. I wouldn't know, I've never watched Suits.

There's a word to describe what I'm feeling. I don't know what it is. Stupid? Inferior? Ridiculous ? Ashamed? The way they approached that situation was just so inappropriate. I'm feeling ridiculous. It brought back all the memories I have of my own sister and brother-in-law telling me that I'm a loser. My sister was never bothered until my brother-in-law manipulated her into hating me for it.

I just feel so shit. Like, okay, we might not be the same, but you don't need to tell me that in a way which implies I'm uncool and humourless.

The funny thing is my cousins don't know me at all. They've never tasted my humour. They've never seen a genuine side of me. One of them has only seen my worst because I can't stand her. The other makes me so nervous to speak to him because he's so awkward. While what they said hurt me, I don't know what to think of it because they're not in a position where they can judge who or what TV character I'm like/unlike.

The thing that's getting to me and making me so butthurt is the way they approached the subject. The only way I can think to explain it is that they verbally jumped me and gave me a verbal slap in the face which basically said "how dare you degrade Donna by bringing her down to your level and comparing her to you - the two of you are incomparable - you're too much of a loser to even be a little bit like her".

I dunno. It's a weird feeling I'm feeling. Definitely something new.

I spent over a week trying to make peace with these cousins because I can't stand them. This little experience I just had with them shit on the progress I made with them. I genuinely thought I started liking them again. Guess I should have know better.